Beloved Father

The memorial service for my father was held Saturday afternoon, March 26th, 2006. More than 100 friends and family joined together to honor him and his life. I gave the following remembrance. I did not use prepared notes for my introductory words, but I recreated them here, for those who did not attend.

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I suppose my father might open with a joke. There is one joke I told him that he enjoyed telling – I know many of you have heard him tell it, at some point. I’ll tell you a little secret about where I heard it. At the time, I was a preteen. My father would often nod off in his recliner, while reading medical journals and texts. I would be lying on the couch next to him watching TV. Sometimes he didn’t perk-up to send me off to bed, and I got to stay up late enough to see the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. That is where I heard Flip Wilson tell this joke during a stand-up routine.

A young man had a parrot that started acting sickly and depressed. He took the parrot to a veterinarian. The vet said that the bird was lonely and he just needed a companion. The man couldn’t afford to buy a mate for his parrot, outright, but the guy at the pet shop said he could rent one for just $25 a day. So, the young man took the rented parrot home and put it in the cage with his. His bird was not interested. He kicked the rented parrot to the other side of the cage and moped.

The man took the parrot back and complained that it was no good. The guy at the pet store had a better bird and guaranteed it would make his parrot happy. But! it would cost $100 just for the day. Well, the young man takes the $100 parrot home, puts it in the cage with his parrot. He covers the cage, puts on some soft music and steps out of the room. The next thing, he hears loud squawking and the cage rattling awfully. He runs in and pulls the cover off of the cage, and there is his bird on top of the rented bird, pulling out feathers and saying, “For $100 a night, I want you naked!”

Dad thought it was particularly amuzing to hear his little boy telling such a provocative joke. And now to the matter at hand…

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My father was an intelligent and driven man. He constantly challenged his loved ones to live up to his expectations and high ideals, just as I am challenged today to do him justice within the limits of the spoken [or written] word. As his children, we were in a uniquely difficult position to deal with the demands of our complex patriarch. To us he was lord and law.

This was a side of my father that only his children fully knew. He expected the world from us, because he wanted only the best for us. At times the demands were too much to bear, causing each of us, in our own time and way to pull away from Dad. He and I were out of contact for a dozen years. It took all that time for me to build the strength of character and self-esteem necessary to deal with my father on my own terms. Such resilience was essential to connecting with my dad as an adult, so as to avoid reverting once again to an insecure or insubordinate childhood state.

I had the good fortune to reach such a state of personal grace, and reconnect with my father a few years ago. I hope that our connection was as much a comfort to him as it was to me. Still, I know it troubled him that his family life had been so turbulent. At the same time, he accepted the outcome of his life. In his later days, he seemed to understand that his consuming passion for his career and his drive to improve his status came with undesired, but perhaps natural consequences for his family life. At least he was comforted to have me close again, not to mention the warmth and support offered by his wife, Mary Ann, and all of her extended family. I am so grateful to all of you for the tenderness and care you offered my dear dad, especially since I do not live nearby.

Certainly, my father spent much of his career building years as a man on a mission, like a freight train, unstoppable, and at times with blinders on. Given his childhood circumstances, his determination was both remarkable and necessary. Many would have accepted their desperate circumstances in an impoverished country further oppressed by the Great Depression – not my father. He traveled the globe, burning midnight oil all along the way, and leaving much of our family’s daily life in the hands of my mother. Sadly, as his mission largely came to fulfillment, he found his family had become fractured.

I am deeply sorry for the pain this caused him. I have forgiven myself, my sisters and my mother. In the end, I think Dad forgave all too. Well at least, he accepted his own accountability for his place in life – it was an enviable life, at that. He accomplished so much, and impacted so many lives in positive ways. He was a man of character, a man of morals, a responsible man. He had immense love to offer, even when he could not easily show it. Those of us who shared in that love are forever changed for having him in our hearts.

Namaste Father
We will love you always.